The rescue of the century....and those Chilean lads

Hello there, of late you could suggest that my blog has done a bit of a "Chilean miner" and has been stranded in the murky underground of the internet for far too long. So like those cheeky chappies in Chile I am going to pull it out from the underground and shove it screaming and crying into the public eye.....though presumably it won't start donning suits and making a mockery of its own rescue by doing a half arsed Elvis Presley impression on a late night chat show....no...definitely not....that would be ABSURD.




There have been a couple of stories that have inspired me to, once again, start swinging my everlasting hammer of eternal satirical pessimism. The first one isn't really about the story, but about the headline on the BBC homepage which you will find displayed below.



My enquiry is this: WHAT ELSE WOULD A BOMB DO?

I mean did he expect a shower of confetti followed by the appearance of TV cameras and Jeremy Beadle's now decrepit, one armed, corpse to swing from the roof wrapped in a banner with the words "you're on candid camera" written on it?

Presumably then, the bomb not only crippled the man but also caused his brain so much stress that he now feels it necessary to constantly state the blindingly obvious. I can just imagine him rolling into a restaurant only to be asked to leave when he starts screaming "I HAVE NO LEGS" at the top of his voice.

The other story to grab my attention is the accusation made my Michael Jackson's children that the new, posthumous, album that will be being released in mid December features faked vocals mixed with samples and not the voice of their late father. My point is simply this: When the album is released it would not matter if it contained nothing but sawdust, faeces and a 2 hour recording of a man sandpapering his grandmother, because as long as it says MICHAEL JACKSON on the front people will buy it in their millions.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go and find some sand paper, I have a fantastic idea for a Christmas CD.

You can say what you like about Fred West but he could lay a lovely patio.

For this post I shall be taking a look at that little place called China. Before I start I would like to dispel a few common misconceptions about China and its people.

1. They are not all experts in Kung Fu.............just most of them.......the rest though I am sure are perfectly adequate.

2. They do eat other things besides noodles and rice...........honest.

3. Some Chinese people DO have big wide eyes..........they are CARTOONS and are NOT real.

4.HIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Now that is out of the way I shall continue.

China has recently given a statement in which in says that is has still made no official decision as to whether the issue of global warming is a man made problem or one caused by the forces of nature. They also said that they are willing to look at the issue with an open mind.


Without sounding sceptical, China has never been a country known for having an all encompassing, "lets all be friends", world outlook. It has always been more along the lines of, "YOU DARE DISAGREE, WE SHALL CARVE OUT THE EYES OF YOUR BRETHRIN WITH DIRTY SPOONS AND PLACE THEM ON A MANTLE SO THEY MAY TOO FOREVER BEAR WITNESS TO YOUR PETULENCE" (or words to that effect anyway).

I mean the problem with China is that it has always had a pesky habit of KILLING THOUSANDS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE FOR HAVING AN OPINION. I would liken China's, "open mind", to the, "open mind", of a certain Mr Fred West and his wife's, "open mind", when it came to deciding on whether or not to BURY THEIR DAUGHTER UNDER THE PATIO.

But it is not like there is much that can be done about it to be honest. Asking China to improve their Human Rights is like asking a child with Down’s syndrome NOT to slam their ice cream cone into their forehead. You can say what you want but it is going to happen, China will still kill students, the ice cream will still get slammed and people will still walk past laughing under their breath whilst embarrassed parents gently clean a generous helping of, ‘mint-choc-chip’ off the front of their little rascals massive concave forehead.

So besides my incessant rambling my point is that I would suggest that China will never take a stance on global warming as long as there is a chance that they will some how be able to avoid the issue for a bit longer.

Oh and before some of you people out there get all enraged and call me some sort of racist pig, please feel free to take your head out your arse, inform your sister you are too busy for sex tonight and take a long soak in the bath with a something BIG, ELECTRICAL AND PLUGGED INTO THE MAINS. If you have not got the sense to see that I am not being overly serious then you do not have the sense to pass comment.

To the rest of you fine people, thanks for reading, it is much appreciated, and I will see you next post.

Horrible, nasty, super, mega, death snow.

With all the current media hysteria about how this current cold spell will wipe out more people than a man with Parkinsons disease trying defuse a bomb, I thought I would just leave you to look at this picture I took in my garden.



According to the BBC this snow has only one motive, to kill you. This of course coming from the same organisation that would have you believe that Tiger Woods will walk into your house during the news and start having sex with your family pets, eating your food, swearing in front of your children and not wiping the seat after he has been to the bathroom.

I mean, what next? Should you be worried about the malevolent spirit of Harold shipman coming knocking on your door asking where your grandmother is? No I think not..........THAT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden whores

Throughout his career Tiger Woods has had an awards list as long as the nose on a Columbian Pinocchio after a drugs bust, and a list of indiscretions as blank as the face on an autistic child during a school disco.

That of course due to recent discoveries has all changed. Mr Woods has been found to be taking a rather liberal approach towards his love life. One of which there are a number of ways of describing:

1. Mr Woods has been cheating on his wife with a number of women and has taken a variety of drugs.
2. Mr Woods has been travelling round the world sleeping with pornstars and sniffing more crack than George Michael in a public toilet.
3. Mr Woods has slept with women in every country on earth including all of the women in Thailand, (ladyboys inclusive), has taken in more unidentified substances than a Dyson vacuum in E.Ts bedroom, and gets beaten up by his wife like a big over sexed sissy.

Ok the last description I admit is edging on ridiculous, but I am sure you get the point.

Tiger has now taken an indefinite break from the world of golf, which as a sport is obviously not in need for this type of scandal. But ask yourself what are the images that come into your head when thinking about golf, here are mine, (apologies for yet another list) :

1. Middle aged men in collared shirts and golf carts talking about...............middle aged men in collared shirts and golf carts.
2. Tiny white balls going into deep black holes, (Il let you come up with your own punch line)
3. Colin Montgomery running topless after an ice cream van screaming, "Just one more scoop".

What I am trying to say is that golf I fear will not suffer for this added scandal but almost, in a way will benefit from it...........................well I mean, Tiger seems to have fun.