The rescue of the century....and those Chilean lads

Hello there, of late you could suggest that my blog has done a bit of a "Chilean miner" and has been stranded in the murky underground of the internet for far too long. So like those cheeky chappies in Chile I am going to pull it out from the underground and shove it screaming and crying into the public eye.....though presumably it won't start donning suits and making a mockery of its own rescue by doing a half arsed Elvis Presley impression on a late night chat show....no...definitely not....that would be ABSURD.




There have been a couple of stories that have inspired me to, once again, start swinging my everlasting hammer of eternal satirical pessimism. The first one isn't really about the story, but about the headline on the BBC homepage which you will find displayed below.



My enquiry is this: WHAT ELSE WOULD A BOMB DO?

I mean did he expect a shower of confetti followed by the appearance of TV cameras and Jeremy Beadle's now decrepit, one armed, corpse to swing from the roof wrapped in a banner with the words "you're on candid camera" written on it?

Presumably then, the bomb not only crippled the man but also caused his brain so much stress that he now feels it necessary to constantly state the blindingly obvious. I can just imagine him rolling into a restaurant only to be asked to leave when he starts screaming "I HAVE NO LEGS" at the top of his voice.

The other story to grab my attention is the accusation made my Michael Jackson's children that the new, posthumous, album that will be being released in mid December features faked vocals mixed with samples and not the voice of their late father. My point is simply this: When the album is released it would not matter if it contained nothing but sawdust, faeces and a 2 hour recording of a man sandpapering his grandmother, because as long as it says MICHAEL JACKSON on the front people will buy it in their millions.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go and find some sand paper, I have a fantastic idea for a Christmas CD.

You can say what you like about Fred West but he could lay a lovely patio.

For this post I shall be taking a look at that little place called China. Before I start I would like to dispel a few common misconceptions about China and its people.

1. They are not all experts in Kung Fu.............just most of them.......the rest though I am sure are perfectly adequate.

2. They do eat other things besides noodles and rice...........honest.

3. Some Chinese people DO have big wide eyes..........they are CARTOONS and are NOT real.

4.HIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Now that is out of the way I shall continue.

China has recently given a statement in which in says that is has still made no official decision as to whether the issue of global warming is a man made problem or one caused by the forces of nature. They also said that they are willing to look at the issue with an open mind.


Without sounding sceptical, China has never been a country known for having an all encompassing, "lets all be friends", world outlook. It has always been more along the lines of, "YOU DARE DISAGREE, WE SHALL CARVE OUT THE EYES OF YOUR BRETHRIN WITH DIRTY SPOONS AND PLACE THEM ON A MANTLE SO THEY MAY TOO FOREVER BEAR WITNESS TO YOUR PETULENCE" (or words to that effect anyway).

I mean the problem with China is that it has always had a pesky habit of KILLING THOUSANDS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE FOR HAVING AN OPINION. I would liken China's, "open mind", to the, "open mind", of a certain Mr Fred West and his wife's, "open mind", when it came to deciding on whether or not to BURY THEIR DAUGHTER UNDER THE PATIO.

But it is not like there is much that can be done about it to be honest. Asking China to improve their Human Rights is like asking a child with Down’s syndrome NOT to slam their ice cream cone into their forehead. You can say what you want but it is going to happen, China will still kill students, the ice cream will still get slammed and people will still walk past laughing under their breath whilst embarrassed parents gently clean a generous helping of, ‘mint-choc-chip’ off the front of their little rascals massive concave forehead.

So besides my incessant rambling my point is that I would suggest that China will never take a stance on global warming as long as there is a chance that they will some how be able to avoid the issue for a bit longer.

Oh and before some of you people out there get all enraged and call me some sort of racist pig, please feel free to take your head out your arse, inform your sister you are too busy for sex tonight and take a long soak in the bath with a something BIG, ELECTRICAL AND PLUGGED INTO THE MAINS. If you have not got the sense to see that I am not being overly serious then you do not have the sense to pass comment.

To the rest of you fine people, thanks for reading, it is much appreciated, and I will see you next post.

Horrible, nasty, super, mega, death snow.

With all the current media hysteria about how this current cold spell will wipe out more people than a man with Parkinsons disease trying defuse a bomb, I thought I would just leave you to look at this picture I took in my garden.



According to the BBC this snow has only one motive, to kill you. This of course coming from the same organisation that would have you believe that Tiger Woods will walk into your house during the news and start having sex with your family pets, eating your food, swearing in front of your children and not wiping the seat after he has been to the bathroom.

I mean, what next? Should you be worried about the malevolent spirit of Harold shipman coming knocking on your door asking where your grandmother is? No I think not..........THAT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden whores

Throughout his career Tiger Woods has had an awards list as long as the nose on a Columbian Pinocchio after a drugs bust, and a list of indiscretions as blank as the face on an autistic child during a school disco.

That of course due to recent discoveries has all changed. Mr Woods has been found to be taking a rather liberal approach towards his love life. One of which there are a number of ways of describing:

1. Mr Woods has been cheating on his wife with a number of women and has taken a variety of drugs.
2. Mr Woods has been travelling round the world sleeping with pornstars and sniffing more crack than George Michael in a public toilet.
3. Mr Woods has slept with women in every country on earth including all of the women in Thailand, (ladyboys inclusive), has taken in more unidentified substances than a Dyson vacuum in E.Ts bedroom, and gets beaten up by his wife like a big over sexed sissy.

Ok the last description I admit is edging on ridiculous, but I am sure you get the point.

Tiger has now taken an indefinite break from the world of golf, which as a sport is obviously not in need for this type of scandal. But ask yourself what are the images that come into your head when thinking about golf, here are mine, (apologies for yet another list) :

1. Middle aged men in collared shirts and golf carts talking about...............middle aged men in collared shirts and golf carts.
2. Tiny white balls going into deep black holes, (Il let you come up with your own punch line)
3. Colin Montgomery running topless after an ice cream van screaming, "Just one more scoop".

What I am trying to say is that golf I fear will not suffer for this added scandal but almost, in a way will benefit from it...........................well I mean, Tiger seems to have fun.

Back to Somalia then............

With this, my ninth post, I will be returning back to the way things were before I got side tracked by all that pesky Uni related tom foolery. Basically meaning that I will be talking about a story that I have come across that I feel is so completely fantastical that I just have to tell you. This of course can only mean one thing: I have returned to that land of warriors, wizards and quizzes called who wants to be a super mega death lord.........SOMALIA.

To be honest there is no other way to go about this than to put it in its most simple terms: This week hundreds of Somalian citizens attended a wedding between a girl of age 17 and a man of age 112.

Now that you have had a moment to realise what I have just said I shall continue with the details. Now, not only has this girl married a man that was most likely born around the same date the idea for the wheel was conceived, but she has married a man that has also had 5 other wives and 13 children during his already lengthy, (and apparently very busy), stay on this earth.

The man was quoted as saying that in no way was the girl forced to marry him, and that he waited until she was old enough before he made his move. Finally pointing out to us all exactly where Gary Glitter, (amongst a raft of others), went wrong. If only they had the decency and forethought to wait a while they too could have got their jollies without the risk of spending the rest of their days with their backs to the wall in the nonce wing of an overcrowded prison.

The man said that he merely used the benefit of his experience to persuade the girl to marry him, (otherwise known of course as SEXUAL GROOMING). And the girl said she is very happy in the marriage, (before most likely being promptly asked to go and milk a herd of goats), and is glad she has found a man of such distinction to spend her days with, and to be honest I am sure he is pretty damn pleased with the situation aswell. Well atleast he wont have to worry about a prenup agreement, Im not too sure there will be too many arguments over who gets, "the bounty of rice and beans".

Facebook rant, Pt 2

For this brief post I thought that I would once again talk about that big blue social behemoth that is Facebook. To be honest I do not really like treading over old ground, but in this case I am willing to make an exception.

Every now and then the makers of Facebook will decide that they deem it neccesary to change some of the aspects of the site to try and make it easier to use. Sometimes when they try and do this they don't always get it exactly right first time.

This of-course leads some of the members to become very angry and annoyed, and to my dismay, increasingly more vocal.

Now before I go any further I would like to stress that Facebook, besides being a den for sex offenders, z-list celebs and YOUR MOTHER, is an entirely free service.

Can you remember a time before Facebook, before metaphorical walls and un-neccesary notifications telling you how many times a week your friends wash their hands, (true story).
A time where there was no tagging or poking, (or as I like to call it the, "lolololol its sounds kind of rude" button).

My point being, in the past if you wanted to talk to an old friend you would have to get their contact details and make the effort to get in touch. Facebook, (and as much as I loathe to say this), has made socialising a hell of alot easier.

So what I am going to suggest is that all of the people that have decided to take it upon themselves to fight the war on change, please take a second to realise that if your life has got to the point at which you feel the need to whinge about what order your "poking" buttons are in, then you may have gone completely mad. Maybe you could step outside of your den of internet debauchery for a second and take a trip into that wonderful world of REAL LIFE, where you may find your liberal use of the word, "lol", and absolute disregard for any subject matter that Simon Cowell hasn't touched with his brush of seemingly never ending originality, just a tad on the side of UNBELIEVABLY ANNOYING.

The best story I have read all year.

This as you may have noticed, (or your might have not), is my second post of the day, and it's not something I normally do. But I have come across a story that i feel is so utterly ridiculous in every conceivable way that I felt absolutely compelled to let you know.

The story is very straight forward, basically, The World War 2 concentration camp Auschwitz now has its own Facebook page. This firstly proving the point I made in my first post about everyone being on Facebook. Though I will admit that at the time I was not thinking that my statement would stretch as far to include this temple of un-necessarily bad hygiene, forced head shaving and MASS GENOCIDE.

A spokesman has said that this is an attempt to reach the youth of the world and teach them a little about history. They went on to say that because Facebook seems to be the most popular thing since the intake of oxygen, that this would be the ideal platform to do it.

But I have spotted one glaring flaw in their master plan, namely that no one in their right mind and with any shred of common sense will want to be friends with somewhere that was responsible for THE DEATHS OF MILLIONS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE.

I can only imagine the reaction of my friends when it appears on my Facebook page that I am now, "friends with Auschwitz". I can only suggest the people that have that message on their page also have the fact that they are friends with, Stalin, Mussolini and Satan in clear view on the same feed.

Any way I have made my point but unfortunately I shall have to go, I've just been poked by Harold Shipman.